Fear of the flashback 

I wish I could be one of those people that love to sleep all the time. But for myself sleeping has become a terror within my own nightmare. 

I wish, I could have dreams of going on wild adventures, traveling the world in eighty days, traveling in deep space nine. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me, instead I dream of a real life monster violating my young childlike body, I dream of the abuse I was subjected to from my abusive Mother and how I felt cheated that I no longer can yell at her for being the worst mother in the world and wish that she never adopted me. I dream of hiding in closets to feel safe from the chaos of living in such a tumultuous household. But most of all I dream of wanting a life where I could start over again and be unborn like in the movie “It’s a wonderful life” and I fantasized about how different my journey in life would of been instead of being afraid all the time. 

Fear is a such a hard emotion to take, it can cripple you from doing the most basic things in life. Lately,  the triggers that are cropping up have taken a toll on my mindset and and appearing in my dreams and I wake up in a cold sweat and it takes me hours to process and get though the anger and pain. I’m hoping not to go back on medications but I may just have to do something.

I wish I could go back in time as the adult that I am today and scoop up my younger myself as a child and tell her that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could shield her from being sexually abused, take away every bruise and scar, every mean and derogatory comments and let her know that there’s no shame in crying and that its okay to have and show feelings. But most of all I wish I could hug her and make her feel special and convey to her that her life matters.

Even today my adult self, still struggles with the whole crying and feelings things because I was raised that it makes you appear weak. Unfortunately having feelings can really make me hurt so bad at times because I hate having to acknowledge that a person, place or things still affects me, but now I realized that going though feelings allows me to grow to be a better person. 

I’m sincerely hoping in that in time my dreams will stop being about the tragic stuff in my life, and will be more about traveling and the Ocean and its magical sounds. I would really like that!

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