The other night I was watching a show on suicide and I found myself going back in time and reevaluating how far down the rabbit hole I had really sunk before I got myself into a program of recovery.
I honestly can’t think of a time when I didn’t want to die. I hated my life and I felt like a piece of shit during my growing up years and unfortunately these feelings followed me into my late forties.
I was bullied constantly throughout my school years by my peers because of my authenticity, I was overweight and probably very socially awkward not to mention I was sexually abuse and lived with a abusive family. I had no real genuine friends growing up. The people I knew, would use you for favors, once you gave them what they wanted the need for your presence was over and you became disposable. I had no coping skills to handle anything but I was told it’s a sin to take your life so I just continued with my life. Later on in my life, I didn’t care if it was a sin or not. I hated God!
I thought that once I was done with high school those feelings would go away but the feelings of inadequacy always reared its ugly head because I was still grossly overweight and in my mindset not attractive at all. So, my solution was to engage into my new found lover, my eating disorder.I realized that I absolutely loved the results I was achieving and added bonus I could eat all I wanted and still lose weight and for the first time I was getting noticed but so scared because I didn’t know if people really appreciated me for me or was there another ulterior motive.
I outwardly I tried to portray this woman who seemed to have her shit together, but inwardly I was terrified to live. Any new experiences that cropped up whether work related or recreational I had to psyche myself up for hours just to achieve something so simple. I would try to blend myself into whatever situation would arise daily. I honestly felt like “Sybil” and I had to deal with a million different personalities so that I could adapt into any enviroment for fear of looking anything less than intelligent, so I studied up on many different subjects, even stuff I didn’t like. I must admit for the most part learning new subjects was fun and rewarding and I wanted to be well versed so I could hold my own in any situation . I think That’s why I enjoyed college so much.
So, I pretty much lived this existence till my late forties and when I found drinking I realized I loved it so much,but like any good addiction it stopped working and I couldn’t control it and I was truly powerless. By this time, I was so tired of the game that I was playing to survive that I wanted to end it all. December 17th, 2011 I tried to carry my plan out, Thank goodness my Creator had another plan for me instead. Later on I felt so much shame for wanting to end my life when so many other people want to live but at that time I just couldn’t see any other way.
Today after quite a few 24 hour days and a strong recovery program and a faith in a power greater than myself, I have a completely different viewpoint on my life. I get to live!! whether it’s good, bad, or very ugly. Today I have the tools and guidance to never pick up a drink again.
I’m very happy to say that I haven’t thought about ending my life in over 5 years because I have a life that’s truly worth living for, living life on life’s terms. I’m so lucky to be alive.
Live in fear, gain nothing. Live in life, gain everything!